Waiting

Make it Matter. 

A Sweet ‘intertility experienced’ friend, while giving me advice, told me that a ‘Dear Baby’ might help me grieve – I was sceptical but thought hey Ho Let’s give it a go.

The problem for so many months was that I couldn’t seem to get past ‘Dear Baby…’ 

As I said in the letter a huge part of me felt defeated, a sort of failure that I was allowing to happen and pride was screaming at me the whole time! I wasn’t raised as a quitter and here I was quitting. It really hurt to deliberately bring these feelings to the surface, knowing they weren’t going to be ‘heard’ in the manner it was ment for. 

Then the ‘what’s the fricking point?’ Part would take over and I would close the laptop and go about my day feeling irritable and frustrated. 

When I eventually tried again to write it was about midnight and I left my sleeping husband in bed and got out the laptop and just stared at the screen and let the tears flow, I imagined my child and the future we may have had and I couldn’t stop. I could have said so much more, I could have typed our entire life plan. It wouldn’t make a stitch worth of difference. 

Over all I took the advice and I can say, for me, I was suprised. It is most definitely Not a miracle cure, Nor did it suddenly take the pain away. I did however realise that although I already knew it was out of our hands – not a possibility – I was still waiting. I realised that I was foolishly waiting for nothing and had to put a stop to it. The relief that now fills me is most surprising.

‘Yes’ has become my new favourite word… Shall we go away next month dear? Why yes that would be great…. Shall we have a glass of wine to night dear? Yes what a fab idea! …. Shall we buy that selfishly delightful sports car?? Ok ok.. too far ..but you get my point. The pressure I put my self under and the limitations I put around us were suffocating. 

I feel free. I’m no longer waiting to continue living my life, this is it,it’s already happening. Lets Make It Matter.

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Coming off hold.

Our lives have been on hold without us even realizing it. It feels like we are waiting for something that you don’t even know is going to arrive.

I am not ready to give up on my dreams of a family but I need to find some new dreams too. Focusing on work has helped, Alot, but I need more from my life, I don’t think anything will fill this huge hole missing in our hearts but I want to start enjoying myself  whole heartedly again.

We can do anything.  This particular realization is really bitter-sweet as I actually can’t do everything, so maybe we’ll just start small.

Maybe we will take a trip. Maybe I will take up jogging – however unlikely, I Could….

I Don’t want to get to an age and be thinking where has my life gone? I want to have stories coming out of my ears and a 1000 ‘once in a lifetime’ experiences and spend forever with the love of my life, Who I am lucky enough to have found already.

If My life Doesn’t play out the way I always thought it would, it doesn’t mean it has to be a bad life, Right?

Time For Re a Focusing on the Good… Again 🙂