Toxic

Feel what is empty and empty what is full.

What is full?
I struggle to find what in my life is full. I mean it is filled with love from friends and family but who could ever have too much love? It’s full of work at the moment, I wouldn’t like to take on any more but you always seem to pull a little more time/energy/strength right out from thin air..

I know my fullness has to be somewhere because I feel so heavy ( not literally, I just got my stone and a half award at slimming world.. yey go me!!) But Emotionally I feel drained. The only part of me that is truly full is my worry pot. What else do you call it? It’s the part of my brain that asks the questions that I can’t find the answers to, like will we ever have a family? Will my husband still love me in another 10 years? Even if he has to put up with just me in his life? Will I ever not feel a huge amount of loss or regret?

Stop!! Empty the worry pot.
It doesn’t mean my questions are gone but prioritise I must. ‘What now?’ Is my ‘now’ question and until I have some sort of plan or order it is the only one I’m letting any where near my worry pot!

So.. What is empty? Aside from the obvious and quite literal empty nest and womb?

Well, I have an (almost) empty bank account. I have an empty spare bedroom?
Trying to take inventory isn’t easy. I have a huge hole in my heart, but it’s not empty. I have a big question mark in my future, but again, not empty. I have a blank space in my life right now… but It is still not empty. I am not empty.

For those of you that know me, you know that lately I made my self invisible. I disappeared because I didn’t feel like me, I didn’t feel like Jilly-Bean, or Jilly. I was frightened that I had lost myself forever. But I want to be her again, I want to be the kind of person who people I have never met want to come have tea and scones with.

I spent some time trying to peel back the layers that I thought I had built around me but there were none, I was completely raw. I had scrubbed away everything that made me me

Wallowing is toxic. It’s ok to feel sad and take time to cry in a corner but don’t let it eat you alive. I shut down every one who ever made me smile or feel good and if I carried on it would have killed me for sure.

Here is to re-joining my fight.
Good luck to everyone who may be struggling in theirs, hang on in there!

image