Intertility

2019

I turn the big 3 0 this month. 

Ordinarily, age doesn’t really bother me. I will insist that I am 21 to anyone that will believe me but i’m not overly sensitive about my age. I am, Mostly, only joking.

This Year, albeit the end of this year, will also be my 10th Wedding Anniversary.

Lots of celebrations to be had.

So why do I feel so MEH?

Trying to word a feeling that I don’t know what it is…  its not just one feeling. I’m overwhelmed with a hundred feelings all at once and, boy, is it confusing. 

I’m not Not happy, I just feel like I have reached my peak…  Like what else is there? This is it. Forever? Then thoughts like this cause me to curse myself greatly and think how selfish I really am, adding to the ‘feelings’.  ( I hope your reading the word ‘Feelings’ and scrunching up your nose in disgust like I am!)

There is nothing wrong with feeling’s I just Refuse to be ruled by, and controlled by mine. – Stupid thought?

I am currently trying to figure out how to act surprised when I enter a surprise party that I accidentally know about. I am also trying to figure out how I act like it is not the worst thing someone could possibly do for me. I also need to squash the feelings of hurt that come with knowing because the sisters responsible for this surprise really should know me better than that. 

What an awful person I must be… They are just trying to do something nice and I am being ungrateful. One of my personalities – Jilly bean of course –  loves to be the center of attention. Everything is all about me of course! The other more serious part of me wants to run far far away. Besides, How could they possibly know what I would want if I don’t even know what I would want? 

My husband is taking me away for a surprise and although we discussed our next trip would be to the lakes, he is now taking me the opposite direction. Is it too much to ask for a little consistency? Bitch Bitch Bitch. Where ever I go will be amazing! 

So in summary – feeling overwhelmed, confused, selfish, ungrateful, lost and desperate to find my path again. 

 Ok truth time… I’m just deflecting. Nothing above is bothering me in the slightest. I am dreading 2019 beacause its a reminder of time. With a past that could’ve been and a future that is unclear.  Please don’t get me wrong I am very happy in almost all areas of our life but turning 30 is making me look back at my naive hopes and dreams. I thought things would be different. Im a little disappointed that the 20 year old me was more put together than I am now, I had a clear direction back then and 2019 is a big fat Reminder that we tried for 10 years and failed for 10 years. 
 

 

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Dear Baby.

Dear Baby,

I have been writing and re-writing this letter for the what seems like forever. I know I have to get these words from my head, but I also want to keep them locked up tight forever because this letter feels like defeat. I can refuse to give up my hopes and dreams of you, my flesh and blood, but I know if I don’t stop now I will end up being a shell of who I am.

Baby, know that I have dreamed of you a billion times. I imagine Seeing you for the first time and having my heart stolen. Knowing that In a beat I would lay down my life for you. I have imagined showing you off, and squeezing you. I imagine being exhausted and waking in the night to comfort you. I imagine being so, so proud of you, To see you conquer the world and knowing that from your very first step, you will succeed.

I know the weight of you, I know how you smell and I have heard the sound of your laugh.

I Have wished and I have prayed, I have Begged and I have Bargained just to meet you.

Baby, Know that you are wanted. You have been Loved. You would never feel alone, I am yours.

Daddy would teach you to be strong, Mummy would tell you everything will be ok.

I would give anything & everything to make you happy.

I imagine you growing up and Know in my heart what a great human you will be. A good mum always knows.

Baby, Always remember one thing…

Mummy loves you.

Silence.

I Haven’t wanted to write… I haven’t wanted to talk. I Have no News. I don’t feel Better.

I’m Angry. I’m Angry that i’m Angry.

In my heart I know there is a plan but I would really love to know what it is… but in the mean time there is anger and a whole lot of hurt. I don’t like allowing this person who has taken over me to write, as the real me is a happier person… but the real me is on vacation, i think… hopefully ready to come back soon.

The real me still Peeks in on all my word press family and is silently wishing you guys all the best with everything you have going on. I Promise I won’t be lost forever, But for now I shall remain silent…

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