infertility

One day I may wake up…

One day I may wake up – and be pleased with the lay in that my non existent children let me have.

90% of my posts start with a single thought. A one liner that takes hold of me and kind of splatters on a page. I don’t have a plan of what to write , I don’t pick a subject – Hey, why not Infertility today? It just is, so I mostly write about how I feel as oppose to whats on my mind. And usually if I’m seeking comfort from my online family I’m already not in a great place.

 I love being someone that visits just to try help, try offer my words where I can offer comfort to someone else also not feeling so great, I’m not that person today. Today Hurts.

I pray everyday that there are no reasons for me not being a mummy. Like, did I do something? Is it my fault? I keep hoping there is a bigger picture.And then I worry I have missed the big flashing sign stating what next.

I worry haven’t been sent a sign. 

I worry that not being fertile is the sign.

I’ve been through this before, so many times before. 

I feel fine for so long and then I look up and I’m still in pain. And I still can’t breathe. I can’t understand why after so many years I still feel the same burning sadness through my entire body.

One day I may wake up – and not have an ache in my heart.

One day I may wake up – and know where in life I’m heading

One day I may wake up – and be satisfied living a childless life?
One day I may wake up – Old.. and then it will all be tough shippoopie anyway.


For the First ime since infertility…..

…….

I’m going to be an Auntie!!

Yes my eldest sister is expecting, again!!
The Next shock – Due on Christmas Day!!

I’m incredibly happy for her and also for my 5 year old niece who is very excited to be a big sister! I wish them all the happiness in the world and pray for the best possible future for all 4 of them…

No Buts…. all I would like to say to my beautiful sister is…

‘If I need time or space or if I seem off or just plain miserable, please don’t take offence or think I’m not over the moon for you. I am. I am proud. And I will be the world’s best auntie as I try to be already. Really, it is not personal.

I just hate your uterus’

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Invisible Bruises

I don’t write much anymore. I kind of don’t like repetition… And I feel like 90% of the time my posts are depressing….
And because Feeling like crap is a constant at the moment.

Don’t get me wrong I’m still a fairly happy person, I’m happy every day. But I’m also miserable every day. Sometimes for no reason at all, or sometimes because someone’s innocent questions makes my body ache.

I think everyone in the ever growing TTC group dread the questions.. the ‘come on you have been married for six years now,when are you going to start a family’ questions? most of the time it kind of makes me want to rip their face off for their ignorance – I promise I’m not really a violent person – but today I just feel hurt, I feel like I could shake them and scream that. They. Should. Know. Better.

I got asked today. I got asked what was taking us so long? I got asked why we would wait 6 years if I did want children?

My answer was pure honesty – I replied that of course I want children, I would have ten…. I did not add on ….If I could.

I didn’t add on that you asking me these question burns me to the core. I didn’t add on that your stupid questions have today emotionally set me back about 6 months. I did not add on that every time I get asked or every time I see a baby bump or a pregnancy announcement, it’s another punch to the chest. I did not tell you That you have left me feeling sore and tender and bruised.

That all the time, I feel sore and tender and bruised.

Being infertile leaves me invisibly black and blue.

Feel what is empty and empty what is full.

What is full?
I struggle to find what in my life is full. I mean it is filled with love from friends and family but who could ever have too much love? It’s full of work at the moment, I wouldn’t like to take on any more but you always seem to pull a little more time/energy/strength right out from thin air..

I know my fullness has to be somewhere because I feel so heavy ( not literally, I just got my stone and a half award at slimming world.. yey go me!!) But Emotionally I feel drained. The only part of me that is truly full is my worry pot. What else do you call it? It’s the part of my brain that asks the questions that I can’t find the answers to, like will we ever have a family? Will my husband still love me in another 10 years? Even if he has to put up with just me in his life? Will I ever not feel a huge amount of loss or regret?

Stop!! Empty the worry pot.
It doesn’t mean my questions are gone but prioritise I must. ‘What now?’ Is my ‘now’ question and until I have some sort of plan or order it is the only one I’m letting any where near my worry pot!

So.. What is empty? Aside from the obvious and quite literal empty nest and womb?

Well, I have an (almost) empty bank account. I have an empty spare bedroom?
Trying to take inventory isn’t easy. I have a huge hole in my heart, but it’s not empty. I have a big question mark in my future, but again, not empty. I have a blank space in my life right now… but It is still not empty. I am not empty.

For those of you that know me, you know that lately I made my self invisible. I disappeared because I didn’t feel like me, I didn’t feel like Jilly-Bean, or Jilly. I was frightened that I had lost myself forever. But I want to be her again, I want to be the kind of person who people I have never met want to come have tea and scones with.

I spent some time trying to peel back the layers that I thought I had built around me but there were none, I was completely raw. I had scrubbed away everything that made me me

Wallowing is toxic. It’s ok to feel sad and take time to cry in a corner but don’t let it eat you alive. I shut down every one who ever made me smile or feel good and if I carried on it would have killed me for sure.

Here is to re-joining my fight.
Good luck to everyone who may be struggling in theirs, hang on in there!

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Baby Shower.

Its Done! I Successfully Planned and attended a baby shower.

I Did it all with a huge smile on my face.

I did it with no fear.

I did it and managed to leave the green eyed monster out in the cold.

I did it without sobbing in the corner.

I did it with my hand on someone else’s baby bump.

I did it with questions about when I was going to  … you know.

I did it.

I Feel so much pride for me and for my dear friend.

I Feel Strong.

I Feel Empowered.

I Feel Brave.

I feel like this just isn’t how its suppose to be….

I feel heartbroken, Again.

Melting…

Today was a difficult one for me.

While visiting my pregnant friend she grabbed my hand saying ‘quick the baby’s moving’ …  she placed my hand on her baby bump and I felt him move – it wasn’t a kick, if i didn’t know better I would have thought he was snuggling into my hand. I Couldn’t breath.  My heart was melting. It was the sweetest pain that left my hand feeling like it no longer belongs to me.

MY friend is beaming, Glowing, I have truly never seen her so happy. There was not one bit that I would wish away from her.

I’m Not in a Great place and ruined my diet by comforting my empty belly with a ton of chocolate….

….BUT I am NOT crumbling.

Progress? I Like to think so. I have an ache in my heart and I may have shed an invisible tear but I am still standing and will be tomorrow.

This is only one step, I know, but it finally it feels like I am facing the right way at least.

 

Taking My Own Advice.

I Booked my holiday!!!

It’s not till June, But its booked. No Compromises, 2 weeks in the sun – first class flight, 5 star hotel….. Bliss.

Believe me we need it! I feel I have something solid to aim for. Hopefully this is the push I need to get back into shape! I’m Aware that I have been in a constant crappy mood for the last month, and have seriously dragged my feet with most things – especially the baby shower, I picked a date and that was about it! It is only a few weeks away and i really need to get a wriggle on – I haven’t even invited the guests..  OPPss.

SO the one thing that is guaranteed to make me feel better is baking – I don’t mean as work – I do that everyday. Not For someone else’s specifications, For Me – just plain old baking. Me in my kitchen whipping up a storm just because I can.

Annddd… Then I gave them away… because I can’t eat them…because I look hideous in a bikini….. and because i’m sure one just wouldn’t be enough!

Here’s to carrot sticks……