Hurt

One day I may wake up…

One day I may wake up – and be pleased with the lay in that my non existent children let me have.

90% of my posts start with a single thought. A one liner that takes hold of me and kind of splatters on a page. I don’t have a plan of what to write , I don’t pick a subject – Hey, why not Infertility today? It just is, so I mostly write about how I feel as oppose to whats on my mind. And usually if I’m seeking comfort from my online family I’m already not in a great place.

 I love being someone that visits just to try help, try offer my words where I can offer comfort to someone else also not feeling so great, I’m not that person today. Today Hurts.

I pray everyday that there are no reasons for me not being a mummy. Like, did I do something? Is it my fault? I keep hoping there is a bigger picture.And then I worry I have missed the big flashing sign stating what next.

I worry haven’t been sent a sign. 

I worry that not being fertile is the sign.

I’ve been through this before, so many times before. 

I feel fine for so long and then I look up and I’m still in pain. And I still can’t breathe. I can’t understand why after so many years I still feel the same burning sadness through my entire body.

One day I may wake up – and not have an ache in my heart.

One day I may wake up – and know where in life I’m heading

One day I may wake up – and be satisfied living a childless life?
One day I may wake up – Old.. and then it will all be tough shippoopie anyway.


Just keep smiling…

It has been oneee tough week. Making a concious effort to Smile and laugh more but my heart is still taking some convincing.

I Did what I needed to do, I went to visit and congratulate my pregnant friend. I suppose I had something to prove. I needed to remind myself of a few things, one in particular – She deserves it.

It doesn’t matter how much I hurt or how much I physically ache for a family, it does Not mean that she shouldn’t have one. Seeing how happy she is, how could anyone wish that away?!

It was easier this time – weather its because i’m getting emotionally stronger or just the fact that she doesn’t know that we can’t have children ourselfs?

Either way I struggled through it like I always do and although It hurts, Alot,  Now hopefully if I start to have some envious thoughts I can quickly squash them with the image of my dear friends joy.

I Hope.