Fight

Feel what is empty and empty what is full.

What is full?
I struggle to find what in my life is full. I mean it is filled with love from friends and family but who could ever have too much love? It’s full of work at the moment, I wouldn’t like to take on any more but you always seem to pull a little more time/energy/strength right out from thin air..

I know my fullness has to be somewhere because I feel so heavy ( not literally, I just got my stone and a half award at slimming world.. yey go me!!) But Emotionally I feel drained. The only part of me that is truly full is my worry pot. What else do you call it? It’s the part of my brain that asks the questions that I can’t find the answers to, like will we ever have a family? Will my husband still love me in another 10 years? Even if he has to put up with just me in his life? Will I ever not feel a huge amount of loss or regret?

Stop!! Empty the worry pot.
It doesn’t mean my questions are gone but prioritise I must. ‘What now?’ Is my ‘now’ question and until I have some sort of plan or order it is the only one I’m letting any where near my worry pot!

So.. What is empty? Aside from the obvious and quite literal empty nest and womb?

Well, I have an (almost) empty bank account. I have an empty spare bedroom?
Trying to take inventory isn’t easy. I have a huge hole in my heart, but it’s not empty. I have a big question mark in my future, but again, not empty. I have a blank space in my life right now… but It is still not empty. I am not empty.

For those of you that know me, you know that lately I made my self invisible. I disappeared because I didn’t feel like me, I didn’t feel like Jilly-Bean, or Jilly. I was frightened that I had lost myself forever. But I want to be her again, I want to be the kind of person who people I have never met want to come have tea and scones with.

I spent some time trying to peel back the layers that I thought I had built around me but there were none, I was completely raw. I had scrubbed away everything that made me me

Wallowing is toxic. It’s ok to feel sad and take time to cry in a corner but don’t let it eat you alive. I shut down every one who ever made me smile or feel good and if I carried on it would have killed me for sure.

Here is to re-joining my fight.
Good luck to everyone who may be struggling in theirs, hang on in there!

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Still Surviving…

I Am Eternally greatful for the People I have found in the short time since I started my public journey. People who are going through what my husband and I are going through, people who are feeling the same things we are, People who have been through much worse and for alot longer… All of these are incredible people who are surviving everyday.

‘Surviving’ may sound very dramatic to the outside world – The ones lucky enough to be blessed with children – It does not mean we are not living our lives and enjoying life too –  it means that Every single day is a fight, with ups and downs so extreme you could burn your arse on the sun or get frostbite!

Imagine Infertility as a human. Imagine he wants a fight. What do you see?

I see a mean looking man, only slightly taller than I am. I see an arena the size of a tennis court with netting all the way around and a roof so there is no escaping. I see a rule board with no rules and a calender instead of a timer.

Knowing if I win, Infertility loses and I get to start my family.

I step up to the gates and Infertility whispers to me ‘Neither one of us can die, and only you can feel pain. Last chance to turn back now.’ I step inside. I hear dead bolts locking me in and infertility laughing.

The Battle begins. Infertility now looks 10ft tall and strong. I want to leave, knowing there is no turning back I look for places to hide there are none. My only chance is to fight. Infertility holds up a shield he calls ‘Fear’ blocking any attack I was contemplating. He shows me an array of weapons only to add to my rising panic. He pretends to be unsure of which weapon to strike me with first, The sword named ‘Rage’ or the axe named ‘Blame’. He settles on a spear and tosses it at me enjoying every moment, with nothing to defend my self the spear tears through my soul, He needn’t tell me the name as I felt every ounce of ‘Grief’ pass through my body.

Just when I think it can not get any worse, Infertility has gained some unknowing recruits in this war. people close to me who he can use as weapons – a pregnant friend, Envy. Fertile family members, Pity.  My husband, Disapointment…  All being forced to stand against me one blow after another. And then the kicker, Infertility morphes into somone more familier, more painful then I ever thought possible. Someone who doesn’t need any weapons to hurt me, this thing is Failure, this thing is me.

My Battle has officially been going on for 4 years, 5 months & 26 days. I for one am Exhausted.

I did eventually find my shield, ‘Hope’ and My sword,’Faith’. I also managed to covert some Warriors so now I no longer battle with my loved ones, they stand by my side as I continue to stand up against Infertility.