Failure

2019

I turn the big 3 0 this month. 

Ordinarily, age doesn’t really bother me. I will insist that I am 21 to anyone that will believe me but i’m not overly sensitive about my age. I am, Mostly, only joking.

This Year, albeit the end of this year, will also be my 10th Wedding Anniversary.

Lots of celebrations to be had.

So why do I feel so MEH?

Trying to word a feeling that I don’t know what it is…  its not just one feeling. I’m overwhelmed with a hundred feelings all at once and, boy, is it confusing. 

I’m not Not happy, I just feel like I have reached my peak…  Like what else is there? This is it. Forever? Then thoughts like this cause me to curse myself greatly and think how selfish I really am, adding to the ‘feelings’.  ( I hope your reading the word ‘Feelings’ and scrunching up your nose in disgust like I am!)

There is nothing wrong with feeling’s I just Refuse to be ruled by, and controlled by mine. – Stupid thought?

I am currently trying to figure out how to act surprised when I enter a surprise party that I accidentally know about. I am also trying to figure out how I act like it is not the worst thing someone could possibly do for me. I also need to squash the feelings of hurt that come with knowing because the sisters responsible for this surprise really should know me better than that. 

What an awful person I must be… They are just trying to do something nice and I am being ungrateful. One of my personalities – Jilly bean of course –  loves to be the center of attention. Everything is all about me of course! The other more serious part of me wants to run far far away. Besides, How could they possibly know what I would want if I don’t even know what I would want? 

My husband is taking me away for a surprise and although we discussed our next trip would be to the lakes, he is now taking me the opposite direction. Is it too much to ask for a little consistency? Bitch Bitch Bitch. Where ever I go will be amazing! 

So in summary – feeling overwhelmed, confused, selfish, ungrateful, lost and desperate to find my path again. 

 Ok truth time… I’m just deflecting. Nothing above is bothering me in the slightest. I am dreading 2019 beacause its a reminder of time. With a past that could’ve been and a future that is unclear.  Please don’t get me wrong I am very happy in almost all areas of our life but turning 30 is making me look back at my naive hopes and dreams. I thought things would be different. Im a little disappointed that the 20 year old me was more put together than I am now, I had a clear direction back then and 2019 is a big fat Reminder that we tried for 10 years and failed for 10 years. 
 

 

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Still Surviving…

I Am Eternally greatful for the People I have found in the short time since I started my public journey. People who are going through what my husband and I are going through, people who are feeling the same things we are, People who have been through much worse and for alot longer… All of these are incredible people who are surviving everyday.

‘Surviving’ may sound very dramatic to the outside world – The ones lucky enough to be blessed with children – It does not mean we are not living our lives and enjoying life too –  it means that Every single day is a fight, with ups and downs so extreme you could burn your arse on the sun or get frostbite!

Imagine Infertility as a human. Imagine he wants a fight. What do you see?

I see a mean looking man, only slightly taller than I am. I see an arena the size of a tennis court with netting all the way around and a roof so there is no escaping. I see a rule board with no rules and a calender instead of a timer.

Knowing if I win, Infertility loses and I get to start my family.

I step up to the gates and Infertility whispers to me ‘Neither one of us can die, and only you can feel pain. Last chance to turn back now.’ I step inside. I hear dead bolts locking me in and infertility laughing.

The Battle begins. Infertility now looks 10ft tall and strong. I want to leave, knowing there is no turning back I look for places to hide there are none. My only chance is to fight. Infertility holds up a shield he calls ‘Fear’ blocking any attack I was contemplating. He shows me an array of weapons only to add to my rising panic. He pretends to be unsure of which weapon to strike me with first, The sword named ‘Rage’ or the axe named ‘Blame’. He settles on a spear and tosses it at me enjoying every moment, with nothing to defend my self the spear tears through my soul, He needn’t tell me the name as I felt every ounce of ‘Grief’ pass through my body.

Just when I think it can not get any worse, Infertility has gained some unknowing recruits in this war. people close to me who he can use as weapons – a pregnant friend, Envy. Fertile family members, Pity.  My husband, Disapointment…  All being forced to stand against me one blow after another. And then the kicker, Infertility morphes into somone more familier, more painful then I ever thought possible. Someone who doesn’t need any weapons to hurt me, this thing is Failure, this thing is me.

My Battle has officially been going on for 4 years, 5 months & 26 days. I for one am Exhausted.

I did eventually find my shield, ‘Hope’ and My sword,’Faith’. I also managed to covert some Warriors so now I no longer battle with my loved ones, they stand by my side as I continue to stand up against Infertility.