childless

Make it Matter. 

A Sweet ‘intertility experienced’ friend, while giving me advice, told me that a ‘Dear Baby’ might help me grieve – I was sceptical but thought hey Ho Let’s give it a go.

The problem for so many months was that I couldn’t seem to get past ‘Dear Baby…’ 

As I said in the letter a huge part of me felt defeated, a sort of failure that I was allowing to happen and pride was screaming at me the whole time! I wasn’t raised as a quitter and here I was quitting. It really hurt to deliberately bring these feelings to the surface, knowing they weren’t going to be ‘heard’ in the manner it was ment for. 

Then the ‘what’s the fricking point?’ Part would take over and I would close the laptop and go about my day feeling irritable and frustrated. 

When I eventually tried again to write it was about midnight and I left my sleeping husband in bed and got out the laptop and just stared at the screen and let the tears flow, I imagined my child and the future we may have had and I couldn’t stop. I could have said so much more, I could have typed our entire life plan. It wouldn’t make a stitch worth of difference. 

Over all I took the advice and I can say, for me, I was suprised. It is most definitely Not a miracle cure, Nor did it suddenly take the pain away. I did however realise that although I already knew it was out of our hands – not a possibility – I was still waiting. I realised that I was foolishly waiting for nothing and had to put a stop to it. The relief that now fills me is most surprising.

‘Yes’ has become my new favourite word… Shall we go away next month dear? Why yes that would be great…. Shall we have a glass of wine to night dear? Yes what a fab idea! …. Shall we buy that selfishly delightful sports car?? Ok ok.. too far ..but you get my point. The pressure I put my self under and the limitations I put around us were suffocating. 

I feel free. I’m no longer waiting to continue living my life, this is it,it’s already happening. Lets Make It Matter.

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Does any one else feel childless?

Oppsss!  Childish! Does any one else feel childish?

I look at my friends the ones that have families as well as the ones that have decided they are not ready yet. They all seem……. well…  they all just seem so together ..

I know no one knows what’s going on behind closed doors but I watch them and they all seem to know where they are heading and I’m still lost…. or possibly not lost, just having a tantrum on the scale of maturity while everyone awkwardly steps over me while averting their eyes…

We got a new car, by default really, ours broke down and long story short – *ping* New car.
It’s nothing overly special, it’s not grand or flash but it gets the job done. All my adult life I have had sort of ‘teenage cars’ if you know what I mean…., my dad would call them tin cars – he would rave that if I ever have a car accident that it wouldn’t protect us, it would just crush. My new car feels sturdy. My new car feels like a grown ups car…

I always said that as long as I dealt with my responsibilities first, then it didn’t matter if I acted grown up or not. I could be as reckless as I liked. Or stay in bed till noon. That I don’t have to act like an adult until I am one.

Now I am one.
Now I act like one.
I Am an adult….
And it sucks.
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Will I ever feel like a grown up if I never have kids?