I Hate feeling like a weepy mess. I Can not stand feeling angry towards people that do not deserve my anger. I Believe that because I did not give myself permission to ‘Feel’ 3 years ago, my feelings Now hit me like a train when i least expect it. I guess i was pretty stupid to think that i could just pass over it all – time may be a healer but only if you allow it.
I Find myself Irritated at EVERYTHING. I was Shopping last week When I saw a parent allowing her child to do something that they really should not be doing and i wanted to scream, i wanted to storm over and give the adult a lecture on teaching your child some manors and explain that letting your small child take off his clothes and run around a shop SWEARING is impolite and frankly unhygienic. The Real me (Not this unfamiliar aggressive person that keeps popping up) Knows very well that if a toddler wants to take his pants off, it take’s more than mummy power to keep those clothes on. I have 9 nieces and nephews. Believe me i learned the hard way.
Last year when my 3 year old nephew wanted some of my cider on new years eve, I poured him a glass of apple juice and told him that it was his special ‘beer’ now i have to hide my head in shame when an infant in my care asks the lady at the counter Every time for a beer please. I know that that poor mother must have been just as embarrassed by her child swearing as i am about my nephew unknowingly implying i am an alcoholic every time i take him out. Luckily my sister in-law is a pretty understanding person.
I think That i am doing really well most of the time but then out of nowhere those Frigging feelings pop up threatening to kick me square in the ovary’s and i buckle, i am weak at the knees and panicking about my empty future and obsessing about how the heck am i going to tell my mum that i can not give her a grandchild? I Am not this person. I try to be optimistic about everything.
‘It does not matter If My husband and i Never have children as long as we have each other’ Another bullet to my chest. Never, What a word.
I Know why I am feeling everything that i am feeling but it does not make it easier, i manage to convince my self that i will be prepared for the next ‘episode’ and ready to attack those frigging feelings and hold them down until i am somewhere more appropriate. I haven’t achieved that yet… AS my Dentist can confirm.
The Bit that i didn’t expect is the amount of loss i feel, It sounds crazy i’m sure,but My planned future has gone, It is No more, dead. It suddenly seems like a very long life.
Today I am worried, I am Worried how long these Frigging Feelings will continue turning me into a Grumpy, Weepy, Crazy Drama Queen.