Anger

Silence.

I Haven’t wanted to write… I haven’t wanted to talk. I Have no News. I don’t feel Better.

I’m Angry. I’m Angry that i’m Angry.

In my heart I know there is a plan but I would really love to know what it is… but in the mean time there is anger and a whole lot of hurt. I don’t like allowing this person who has taken over me to write, as the real me is a happier person… but the real me is on vacation, i think… hopefully ready to come back soon.

The real me still Peeks in on all my word press family and is silently wishing you guys all the best with everything you have going on. I Promise I won’t be lost forever, But for now I shall remain silent…

Image result for shush

ERRRGG.

Errrgg is how I am feeling.

For those of you that dont know what Errg is, it is a noise as apposed to a word – a noise somewhere between annoyance and a growl, with a little ‘Naff off’ thrown in for good measure. I haven’t wrote in a while because I just feel like I am going around in circles, like I’m on a merry-go-round and literally can’t get off. Its maddening that the big guy in charge wont slow it down.. even a little.

I know wanting something to be over doesn’t make it over, but that dark feeling hanging over my head constantly threatening to suck me back is wearing me down. Im frustrated and irritated all the time. Every time I feel like I’m having a breakthrough, finding simple joys in everyday life, I find myself back at square one.

Everything feels Too Big. I don’t really know how to put it in a way people may understand, so I’m sorry if I lose you at this point… Last night my husband asked me why I was showering in the dark, and I Honestly didn’t really know, it felt kind of good to feel invisible, almost like I wasnt really there. I took comfort in the small space too, its just enough room for one… Unlike my dining table – Having a sudden hatred for inaminate objects is a new one for me.I bought it so surely I must have liked at at one stage… NOPE .Its no use, I Hate the thing – Sat there all smug with its middle extention and its two extra chairs….

I also hate the fact that I have two spare bedrooms.

I do realise how ridiculous I sound, Im even wondering if this time I really have gone insane.

Even more ridiculous than me stressing weather my garden is safe enough for kids.. or the disappointment that my sister-in-laws, husbands – sisters – mate has named her new born what I would have called my little boy.

I’m obviously not in a great place – And trust me I would rather be anywhere else, but the fact is Im failing at being human right now, and have been seriously contemplating becoming a Robot – well, an emotionless one anyway.

Could happen.. Right?

– Definitely insane.

 

Thanks Brain….

Yesterday a thought hit me, one that I have been hiding for a long time. A thought that took my breath away and had me clinging to my pillows in an utter mess.  Everything that I thought I had managed to pass through surrounding me… the Anger, the Envy, the Pity, the Blame…

My thought was that one day – soon – we will have to stop.

 Stop thinking that this is just a set back, accept that we are never going to have a biological child and if we dont make immediate changes to our life then we will never be eligible to foster or adopt.

If we don’t get on the right tracks now we can kiss the dream of a family good bye.

Today I pick myself of the metaphorical floor and Carry on. quote

Frigging Feelings..

I Hate feeling like a weepy mess. I Can not stand feeling angry towards people that do not deserve my anger. I Believe that because I did not give myself permission to ‘Feel’ 3 years ago, my feelings Now hit me like a train when i least expect it. I guess i was pretty stupid to think that i could just pass over it all – time may be a healer but only if you allow it. 

I Find myself Irritated at EVERYTHING.  I was Shopping last week When I saw a parent allowing her child to do something that they really should not be doing and i wanted to scream, i wanted to storm over and give the adult a lecture on teaching your child some manors and explain that letting your small child take off his clothes and run around a shop SWEARING is impolite and frankly unhygienic. The Real me (Not this unfamiliar aggressive person that keeps popping up) Knows very well that if a toddler wants to take his pants off, it take’s more than mummy power to keep those clothes on. I have 9 nieces and nephews. Believe me i learned the hard way.

Last year when my 3 year old nephew wanted some of my cider on new years eve, I poured him a glass of apple juice and told him that it was his special ‘beer’ now i have to hide my head in shame when an infant in my care asks the lady at the counter Every time for a beer please. I know that that poor mother must have been just as embarrassed by her child swearing as i am about my nephew unknowingly implying i am an alcoholic every time i take him out. Luckily my sister in-law is a pretty understanding person.

I think That i am doing really well most of the time but then out of nowhere those Frigging feelings pop up threatening to kick me square in the ovary’s and i buckle, i am weak at the knees and panicking about my empty future and obsessing about how the heck am i going to tell my mum that i can not give her a grandchild? I Am not this person. I try to be optimistic about everything.

‘It does not matter If My husband and i Never have children as long as we have each other’ Another bullet to my chest. Never, What a word. 

I Know why I am feeling everything that i am feeling but it does not make it easier, i manage to convince my self that i will be prepared for the next ‘episode’ and ready to attack those frigging feelings and hold them down until i am somewhere more appropriate. I haven’t achieved that yet… AS my Dentist can confirm.

The Bit that i didn’t expect is the amount of loss i feel, It sounds crazy i’m sure,but My planned future has gone, It is No more, dead. It suddenly seems like a very long life. 

Today I am worried, I am Worried how long these Frigging Feelings will continue turning me into a Grumpy, Weepy, Crazy Drama Queen.