Invisible Bruises

I don’t write much anymore. I kind of don’t like repetition… And I feel like 90% of the time my posts are depressing….
And because Feeling like crap is a constant at the moment.

Don’t get me wrong I’m still a fairly happy person, I’m happy every day. But I’m also miserable every day. Sometimes for no reason at all, or sometimes because someone’s innocent questions makes my body ache.

I think everyone in the ever growing TTC group dread the questions.. the ‘come on you have been married for six years now,when are you going to start a family’ questions? most of the time it kind of makes me want to rip their face off for their ignorance – I promise I’m not really a violent person – but today I just feel hurt, I feel like I could shake them and scream that. They. Should. Know. Better.

I got asked today. I got asked what was taking us so long? I got asked why we would wait 6 years if I did want children?

My answer was pure honesty – I replied that of course I want children, I would have ten…. I did not add on ….If I could.

I didn’t add on that you asking me these question burns me to the core. I didn’t add on that your stupid questions have today emotionally set me back about 6 months. I did not add on that every time I get asked or every time I see a baby bump or a pregnancy announcement, it’s another punch to the chest. I did not tell you That you have left me feeling sore and tender and bruised.

That all the time, I feel sore and tender and bruised.

Being infertile leaves me invisibly black and blue.

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Feel what is empty and empty what is full.

What is full?
I struggle to find what in my life is full. I mean it is filled with love from friends and family but who could ever have too much love? It’s full of work at the moment, I wouldn’t like to take on any more but you always seem to pull a little more time/energy/strength right out from thin air..

I know my fullness has to be somewhere because I feel so heavy ( not literally, I just got my stone and a half award at slimming world.. yey go me!!) But Emotionally I feel drained. The only part of me that is truly full is my worry pot. What else do you call it? It’s the part of my brain that asks the questions that I can’t find the answers to, like will we ever have a family? Will my husband still love me in another 10 years? Even if he has to put up with just me in his life? Will I ever not feel a huge amount of loss or regret?

Stop!! Empty the worry pot.
It doesn’t mean my questions are gone but prioritise I must. ‘What now?’ Is my ‘now’ question and until I have some sort of plan or order it is the only one I’m letting any where near my worry pot!

So.. What is empty? Aside from the obvious and quite literal empty nest and womb?

Well, I have an (almost) empty bank account. I have an empty spare bedroom?
Trying to take inventory isn’t easy. I have a huge hole in my heart, but it’s not empty. I have a big question mark in my future, but again, not empty. I have a blank space in my life right now… but It is still not empty. I am not empty.

For those of you that know me, you know that lately I made my self invisible. I disappeared because I didn’t feel like me, I didn’t feel like Jilly-Bean, or Jilly. I was frightened that I had lost myself forever. But I want to be her again, I want to be the kind of person who people I have never met want to come have tea and scones with.

I spent some time trying to peel back the layers that I thought I had built around me but there were none, I was completely raw. I had scrubbed away everything that made me me

Wallowing is toxic. It’s ok to feel sad and take time to cry in a corner but don’t let it eat you alive. I shut down every one who ever made me smile or feel good and if I carried on it would have killed me for sure.

Here is to re-joining my fight.
Good luck to everyone who may be struggling in theirs, hang on in there!

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Silence.

I Haven’t wanted to write… I haven’t wanted to talk. I Have no News. I don’t feel Better.

I’m Angry. I’m Angry that i’m Angry.

In my heart I know there is a plan but I would really love to know what it is… but in the mean time there is anger and a whole lot of hurt. I don’t like allowing this person who has taken over me to write, as the real me is a happier person… but the real me is on vacation, i think… hopefully ready to come back soon.

The real me still Peeks in on all my word press family and is silently wishing you guys all the best with everything you have going on. I Promise I won’t be lost forever, But for now I shall remain silent…

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Labor Pains

My friend is in labor as I write.

I’m excited for her and can’t wait to meet the little guy when I visit them (Hopefully) this evening, but right now I have had to take a little time out to be sad. I have given myself 30 minutes.

30 Minutes to grieve what I don’t have and what I will never do. I hope I will be forgiven for taking this time for me when someone I love needs more than I do.

I’m Hurting for all the experiences that I will miss out on.

I’m ready for all the pain to go now, I’m desperate to just move the frick on. I Don’t want to hurt anymore and I don’t want to feel selfish for having to take 30 minutes to cry in the bathroom and I don’t want to feel this way about experience’s that are so, so special and important like… erm.. a birth.

When My 30 minutes are nearing an end and the tears are drying, I will force my self to move and get back to my day and I suppose take it how it comes. I know a little later I will be ecstatic for her, so I guess I will just wait for that…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baby Shower.

Its Done! I Successfully Planned and attended a baby shower.

I Did it all with a huge smile on my face.

I did it with no fear.

I did it and managed to leave the green eyed monster out in the cold.

I did it without sobbing in the corner.

I did it with my hand on someone else’s baby bump.

I did it with questions about when I was going to  … you know.

I did it.

I Feel so much pride for me and for my dear friend.

I Feel Strong.

I Feel Empowered.

I Feel Brave.

I feel like this just isn’t how its suppose to be….

I feel heartbroken, Again.

Grizzly..

My husband and I have been fighting all week, Its rough.

The biggest of our many arguments was about this up coming baby shower I have been planning for a friend..

The  end line of it was that I have put far too much effort….. and money into it. Its True, I have – and I knew I would when I agreed to do it in the first place.

I asked my darling husband when was the last time I did anything, Ever, when I did not put 100% into it? And also told him that I really didn’t i think I needed to explain myself.

Then – I got sad instead of mad.

I was devastated when I realised he did not understand.  That I needed to explain to him that if I cannot cope with a baby of a friend –  how would I ever cope with with a baby of a relative? Or A sister?

I Know he doesn’t want to hurt me but his ignorance on this is driving me insane.   My Feelings are hurt and I wish I could let go of the feelings but the one person that  I thought understood me inside out, doesn’t understand this??

Then I got mad again.

O.K So Now I am Being sulky and yes I am still mad, because I don’t understand how someone can get me so well 90% of the time and have a blind spot to this. This ?! We Have Been going through This for what seems like forever, and This he doesn’t get?

I am a little peeved I guess. Thank goodness its nearly over!

 

 

 

Melting…

Today was a difficult one for me.

While visiting my pregnant friend she grabbed my hand saying ‘quick the baby’s moving’ …  she placed my hand on her baby bump and I felt him move – it wasn’t a kick, if i didn’t know better I would have thought he was snuggling into my hand. I Couldn’t breath.  My heart was melting. It was the sweetest pain that left my hand feeling like it no longer belongs to me.

MY friend is beaming, Glowing, I have truly never seen her so happy. There was not one bit that I would wish away from her.

I’m Not in a Great place and ruined my diet by comforting my empty belly with a ton of chocolate….

….BUT I am NOT crumbling.

Progress? I Like to think so. I have an ache in my heart and I may have shed an invisible tear but I am still standing and will be tomorrow.

This is only one step, I know, but it finally it feels like I am facing the right way at least.