Silence.

I Haven’t wanted to write… I haven’t wanted to talk. I Have no News. I don’t feel Better.

I’m Angry. I’m Angry that i’m Angry.

In my heart I know there is a plan but I would really love to know what it is… but in the mean time there is anger and a whole lot of hurt. I don’t like allowing this person who has taken over me to write, as the real me is a happier person… but the real me is on vacation, i think… hopefully ready to come back soon.

The real me still Peeks in on all my word press family and is silently wishing you guys all the best with everything you have going on. I Promise I won’t be lost forever, But for now I shall remain silent…

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Labor Pains

My friend is in labor as I write.

I’m excited for her and can’t wait to meet the little guy when I visit them (Hopefully) this evening, but right now I have had to take a little time out to be sad. I have given myself 30 minutes.

30 Minutes to grieve what I don’t have and what I will never do. I hope I will be forgiven for taking this time for me when someone I love needs more than I do.

I’m Hurting for all the experiences that I will miss out on.

I’m ready for all the pain to go now, I’m desperate to just move the frick on. I Don’t want to hurt anymore and I don’t want to feel selfish for having to take 30 minutes to cry in the bathroom and I don’t want to feel this way about experience’s that are so, so special and important like… erm.. a birth.

When My 30 minutes are nearing an end and the tears are drying, I will force my self to move and get back to my day and I suppose take it how it comes. I know a little later I will be ecstatic for her, so I guess I will just wait for that…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baby Shower.

Its Done! I Successfully Planned and attended a baby shower.

I Did it all with a huge smile on my face.

I did it with no fear.

I did it and managed to leave the green eyed monster out in the cold.

I did it without sobbing in the corner.

I did it with my hand on someone else’s baby bump.

I did it with questions about when I was going to  … you know.

I did it.

I Feel so much pride for me and for my dear friend.

I Feel Strong.

I Feel Empowered.

I Feel Brave.

I feel like this just isn’t how its suppose to be….

I feel heartbroken, Again.

Grizzly..

My husband and I have been fighting all week, Its rough.

The biggest of our many arguments was about this up coming baby shower I have been planning for a friend..

The  end line of it was that I have put far too much effort….. and money into it. Its True, I have – and I knew I would when I agreed to do it in the first place.

I asked my darling husband when was the last time I did anything, Ever, when I did not put 100% into it? And also told him that I really didn’t i think I needed to explain myself.

Then – I got sad instead of mad.

I was devastated when I realised he did not understand.  That I needed to explain to him that if I cannot cope with a baby of a friend –  how would I ever cope with with a baby of a relative? Or A sister?

I Know he doesn’t want to hurt me but his ignorance on this is driving me insane.   My Feelings are hurt and I wish I could let go of the feelings but the one person that  I thought understood me inside out, doesn’t understand this??

Then I got mad again.

O.K So Now I am Being sulky and yes I am still mad, because I don’t understand how someone can get me so well 90% of the time and have a blind spot to this. This ?! We Have Been going through This for what seems like forever, and This he doesn’t get?

I am a little peeved I guess. Thank goodness its nearly over!

 

 

 

Melting…

Today was a difficult one for me.

While visiting my pregnant friend she grabbed my hand saying ‘quick the baby’s moving’ …  she placed my hand on her baby bump and I felt him move – it wasn’t a kick, if i didn’t know better I would have thought he was snuggling into my hand. I Couldn’t breath.  My heart was melting. It was the sweetest pain that left my hand feeling like it no longer belongs to me.

MY friend is beaming, Glowing, I have truly never seen her so happy. There was not one bit that I would wish away from her.

I’m Not in a Great place and ruined my diet by comforting my empty belly with a ton of chocolate….

….BUT I am NOT crumbling.

Progress? I Like to think so. I have an ache in my heart and I may have shed an invisible tear but I am still standing and will be tomorrow.

This is only one step, I know, but it finally it feels like I am facing the right way at least.

 

Taking My Own Advice.

I Booked my holiday!!!

It’s not till June, But its booked. No Compromises, 2 weeks in the sun – first class flight, 5 star hotel….. Bliss.

Believe me we need it! I feel I have something solid to aim for. Hopefully this is the push I need to get back into shape! I’m Aware that I have been in a constant crappy mood for the last month, and have seriously dragged my feet with most things – especially the baby shower, I picked a date and that was about it! It is only a few weeks away and i really need to get a wriggle on – I haven’t even invited the guests..  OPPss.

SO the one thing that is guaranteed to make me feel better is baking – I don’t mean as work – I do that everyday. Not For someone else’s specifications, For Me – just plain old baking. Me in my kitchen whipping up a storm just because I can.

Annddd… Then I gave them away… because I can’t eat them…because I look hideous in a bikini….. and because i’m sure one just wouldn’t be enough!

Here’s to carrot sticks……

I had My nephew last week, My beautiful 4 year old nephew while his Mum had to work. Most of the time I absolutely adore having him, this time was no different. I picked him up from school – He is always so excited to see me, speaking so quick like he has so much to say and no time to say it, then he talks me into going for a cup of tea and a slice of fruit cake in the town gardens, then we go to the shop and buy some bread to feed the ducks on our walk home. A routine I have come to cherish.

I decided for a change to take him to the garden center which has tropical fish, some birds, snakes and a few other reptiles. We even got to help the lady feed some Koi. He was so excited and giddy he turned, tugged on my shirt and said ‘Mummy, Mummy Did you see that fish? It jumped out the water!’

My heart broke in ways I had no idea it could.

He didn’t even realise what he had just said.

I tried not to break, kept smiling and forced myself to move from my frozen position – the whole time I was in pieces. I Cant explain why It hit me so hard maybe I didn’t know until that moment that my heart has already given up. Every thought I have ever had about my future filled with children came flooding back and then there was nothing… Emptiness surrounding me.

I Don’t know what was worse the ache or the nothingness.. each making me sick and dizzy all at once. That was 7 days ago and I still feel like my chest is slowly and painfully collapsing in on its self.

I Keep trying to find the positives but Have been so highly strung and tightly wound I’m finding it difficult to Want to see much of anything.