Author: littlejillybean

Hi there I am 27, Happily married and struggling with infertility. I Am certainly no writer, I didn't even think i was a blogger but here I am. I created this blog as a way to cope and well.. Vent! I hope it lets other women know they are not alone in this struggle. Thanks x

Shrinking

It’s a been a bad week. 

I’m learning to love the life I have and stop comparing what others have against what I can’t have… I’m enjoying trying ways to ‘Make It Matter’

But   *excuse me while I lay on the floor flailing my arms and legs while having a full blown temper tantrum* I want one!! 

It’s been one of those weeks where babies are everywhere! Obviously I love babies but, seriously, could they not spread them out in manageable doses?? Why, when I am making such a bloody effort must you parade babies and pregnancy announcement around.

So to kick my week off – one friend, one colleague and my own fricking nephew announced pregnancies. My nephew and his girlfriend 18 years old – come on! I’ve been asked to attend yet another baby shower, was visited by my cousin who we already knew was pregnant but as a cheeky gut punch confirmed Twins and just to top it off attended a christening on Sunday with the whole family and about 27 kids running around.

Fabulous!

In reality Non of this was bad it was incredibly pleasant and of course I’m so happy for each of them…

I just look to the heavens and think what about me?

I feel like I’m shrinking, forgotten about. I’m trying everything I can to move on yet still stuck right here, the same place I was 10 years ago. 

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29 Years 

I recently had a birthday – the title may given that game away. 

I had a birthday cake with a candle And even though my 29 year old self knows that wishes rarely come true,  I took I big breath and I wished a wish anyway. 

Obviously according to the birthday cake candle wish rules, I can’t tell you what my wish was. Can you guess?

I don’t think I am breaking any birthday cake candle wish rules by telling you that ever since I was old enough to realise that my same wish had never come true, I stopped wishing for a fluffy pet flamingo and since then I made the same two wishes all my life. I either wished..

 1. To be happy in life
Or more often 
2. I wished that if there was such thing as a true birthday cake candle wish, than please give it to someone else. 

I didn’t mean to snub a (non existent) gift…  Chance… that was for me or admit that it may not actually come true. But in those moments, almost every year, when I had all my family around me, I had everything I ever needed. I was Am a very lucky girl. 

This year in a moment of panic I started to blow out my candle and realised I hadn’t pre-prepared a wish!!  The pressure was on and I had to make a snap decision on the spot. 

I know, crazy right? 

I wished with all my might for the one thing that would complete my life. But I totally lost all hope of that ever happening soooo…. I took matters into my own hands and bought myself a birthday gift.      

Meet Felicia flamingo – the name felicia choosen for its meaning – happy. When she arrives she will have pride of place on my bed to remind me every morning to make the most of each day….

or in cases like today were my day was just a bit rubbish… at least she is something bright and cheerful to look at

Or something mentally healthier…… Happy Birthday to me.

Make it Matter. 

A Sweet ‘intertility experienced’ friend, while giving me advice, told me that a ‘Dear Baby’ might help me grieve – I was sceptical but thought hey Ho Let’s give it a go.

The problem for so many months was that I couldn’t seem to get past ‘Dear Baby…’ 

As I said in the letter a huge part of me felt defeated, a sort of failure that I was allowing to happen and pride was screaming at me the whole time! I wasn’t raised as a quitter and here I was quitting. It really hurt to deliberately bring these feelings to the surface, knowing they weren’t going to be ‘heard’ in the manner it was ment for. 

Then the ‘what’s the fricking point?’ Part would take over and I would close the laptop and go about my day feeling irritable and frustrated. 

When I eventually tried again to write it was about midnight and I left my sleeping husband in bed and got out the laptop and just stared at the screen and let the tears flow, I imagined my child and the future we may have had and I couldn’t stop. I could have said so much more, I could have typed our entire life plan. It wouldn’t make a stitch worth of difference. 

Over all I took the advice and I can say, for me, I was suprised. It is most definitely Not a miracle cure, Nor did it suddenly take the pain away. I did however realise that although I already knew it was out of our hands – not a possibility – I was still waiting. I realised that I was foolishly waiting for nothing and had to put a stop to it. The relief that now fills me is most surprising.

‘Yes’ has become my new favourite word… Shall we go away next month dear? Why yes that would be great…. Shall we have a glass of wine to night dear? Yes what a fab idea! …. Shall we buy that selfishly delightful sports car?? Ok ok.. too far ..but you get my point. The pressure I put my self under and the limitations I put around us were suffocating. 

I feel free. I’m no longer waiting to continue living my life, this is it,it’s already happening. Lets Make It Matter.

Dear Baby.

Dear Baby,

I have been writing and re-writing this letter for the what seems like forever. I know I have to get these words from my head, but I also want to keep them locked up tight forever because this letter feels like defeat. I can refuse to give up my hopes and dreams of you, my flesh and blood, but I know if I don’t stop now I will end up being a shell of who I am.

Baby, know that I have dreamed of you a billion times. I imagine Seeing you for the first time and having my heart stolen. Knowing that In a beat I would lay down my life for you. I have imagined showing you off, and squeezing you. I imagine being exhausted and waking in the night to comfort you. I imagine being so, so proud of you, To see you conquer the world and knowing that from your very first step, you will succeed.

I know the weight of you, I know how you smell and I have heard the sound of your laugh.

I Have wished and I have prayed, I have Begged and I have Bargained just to meet you.

Baby, Know that you are wanted. You have been Loved. You would never feel alone, I am yours.

Daddy would teach you to be strong, Mummy would tell you everything will be ok.

I would give anything & everything to make you happy.

I imagine you growing up and Know in my heart what a great human you will be. A good mum always knows.

Baby, Always remember one thing…

Mummy loves you.

One day I may wake up…

One day I may wake up – and be pleased with the lay in that my non existent children let me have.

90% of my posts start with a single thought. A one liner that takes hold of me and kind of splatters on a page. I don’t have a plan of what to write , I don’t pick a subject – Hey, why not Infertility today? It just is, so I mostly write about how I feel as oppose to whats on my mind. And usually if I’m seeking comfort from my online family I’m already not in a great place.

 I love being someone that visits just to try help, try offer my words where I can offer comfort to someone else also not feeling so great, I’m not that person today. Today Hurts.

I pray everyday that there are no reasons for me not being a mummy. Like, did I do something? Is it my fault? I keep hoping there is a bigger picture.And then I worry I have missed the big flashing sign stating what next.

I worry haven’t been sent a sign. 

I worry that not being fertile is the sign.

I’ve been through this before, so many times before. 

I feel fine for so long and then I look up and I’m still in pain. And I still can’t breathe. I can’t understand why after so many years I still feel the same burning sadness through my entire body.

One day I may wake up – and not have an ache in my heart.

One day I may wake up – and know where in life I’m heading

One day I may wake up – and be satisfied living a childless life?
One day I may wake up – Old.. and then it will all be tough shippoopie anyway.


For the First ime since infertility…..

…….

I’m going to be an Auntie!!

Yes my eldest sister is expecting, again!!
The Next shock – Due on Christmas Day!!

I’m incredibly happy for her and also for my 5 year old niece who is very excited to be a big sister! I wish them all the happiness in the world and pray for the best possible future for all 4 of them…

No Buts…. all I would like to say to my beautiful sister is…

‘If I need time or space or if I seem off or just plain miserable, please don’t take offence or think I’m not over the moon for you. I am. I am proud. And I will be the world’s best auntie as I try to be already. Really, it is not personal.

I just hate your uterus’

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Does any one else feel childless?

Oppsss!  Childish! Does any one else feel childish?

I look at my friends the ones that have families as well as the ones that have decided they are not ready yet. They all seem……. well…  they all just seem so together ..

I know no one knows what’s going on behind closed doors but I watch them and they all seem to know where they are heading and I’m still lost…. or possibly not lost, just having a tantrum on the scale of maturity while everyone awkwardly steps over me while averting their eyes…

We got a new car, by default really, ours broke down and long story short – *ping* New car.
It’s nothing overly special, it’s not grand or flash but it gets the job done. All my adult life I have had sort of ‘teenage cars’ if you know what I mean…., my dad would call them tin cars – he would rave that if I ever have a car accident that it wouldn’t protect us, it would just crush. My new car feels sturdy. My new car feels like a grown ups car…

I always said that as long as I dealt with my responsibilities first, then it didn’t matter if I acted grown up or not. I could be as reckless as I liked. Or stay in bed till noon. That I don’t have to act like an adult until I am one.

Now I am one.
Now I act like one.
I Am an adult….
And it sucks.
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Will I ever feel like a grown up if I never have kids?