Author: littlejillybean

Hi there I am 27, Happily married and struggling with infertility. I Am certainly no writer, I didn't even think i was a blogger but here I am. I created this blog as a way to cope and well.. Vent! I hope it lets other women know they are not alone in this struggle. Thanks x

Dear Baby.

Dear Baby,

I have been writing and re-writing this letter for the what seems like forever. I know I have to get these words from my head, but I also want to keep them locked up tight forever because this letter feels like defeat. I can refuse to give up my hopes and dreams of you, my flesh and blood, but I know if I don’t stop now I will end up being a shell of who I am.

Baby, know that I have dreamed of you a billion times. I imagine Seeing you for the first time and having my heart stolen. Knowing that In a beat I would lay down my life for you. I have imagined showing you off, and squeezing you. I imagine being exhausted and waking in the night to comfort you. I imagine being so, so proud of you, To see you conquer the world and knowing that from your very first step, you will succeed.

I know the weight of you, I know how you smell and I have heard the sound of your laugh.

I Have wished and I have prayed, I have Begged and I have Bargained just to meet you.

Baby, Know that you are wanted. You have been Loved. You would never feel alone, I am yours.

Daddy would teach you to be strong, Mummy would tell you everything will be ok.

I would give anything & everything to make you happy.

I imagine you growing up and Know in my heart what a great human you will be. A good mum always knows.

Baby, Always remember one thing…

Mummy loves you.

One day I may wake up…

One day I may wake up – and be pleased with the lay in that my non existent children let me have.

90% of my posts start with a single thought. A one liner that takes hold of me and kind of splatters on a page. I don’t have a plan of what to write , I don’t pick a subject – Hey, why not Infertility today? It just is, so I mostly write about how I feel as oppose to whats on my mind. And usually if I’m seeking comfort from my online family I’m already not in a great place.

 I love being someone that visits just to try help, try offer my words where I can offer comfort to someone else also not feeling so great, I’m not that person today. Today Hurts.

I pray everyday that there are no reasons for me not being a mummy. Like, did I do something? Is it my fault? I keep hoping there is a bigger picture.And then I worry I have missed the big flashing sign stating what next.

I worry haven’t been sent a sign. 

I worry that not being fertile is the sign.

I’ve been through this before, so many times before. 

I feel fine for so long and then I look up and I’m still in pain. And I still can’t breathe. I can’t understand why after so many years I still feel the same burning sadness through my entire body.

One day I may wake up – and not have an ache in my heart.

One day I may wake up – and know where in life I’m heading

One day I may wake up – and be satisfied living a childless life?
One day I may wake up – Old.. and then it will all be tough shippoopie anyway.


For the First ime since infertility…..

…….

I’m going to be an Auntie!!

Yes my eldest sister is expecting, again!!
The Next shock – Due on Christmas Day!!

I’m incredibly happy for her and also for my 5 year old niece who is very excited to be a big sister! I wish them all the happiness in the world and pray for the best possible future for all 4 of them…

No Buts…. all I would like to say to my beautiful sister is…

‘If I need time or space or if I seem off or just plain miserable, please don’t take offence or think I’m not over the moon for you. I am. I am proud. And I will be the world’s best auntie as I try to be already. Really, it is not personal.

I just hate your uterus’

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Does any one else feel childless?

Oppsss!  Childish! Does any one else feel childish?

I look at my friends the ones that have families as well as the ones that have decided they are not ready yet. They all seem……. well…  they all just seem so together ..

I know no one knows what’s going on behind closed doors but I watch them and they all seem to know where they are heading and I’m still lost…. or possibly not lost, just having a tantrum on the scale of maturity while everyone awkwardly steps over me while averting their eyes…

We got a new car, by default really, ours broke down and long story short – *ping* New car.
It’s nothing overly special, it’s not grand or flash but it gets the job done. All my adult life I have had sort of ‘teenage cars’ if you know what I mean…., my dad would call them tin cars – he would rave that if I ever have a car accident that it wouldn’t protect us, it would just crush. My new car feels sturdy. My new car feels like a grown ups car…

I always said that as long as I dealt with my responsibilities first, then it didn’t matter if I acted grown up or not. I could be as reckless as I liked. Or stay in bed till noon. That I don’t have to act like an adult until I am one.

Now I am one.
Now I act like one.
I Am an adult….
And it sucks.
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Will I ever feel like a grown up if I never have kids?

Invisible Bruises

I don’t write much anymore. I kind of don’t like repetition… And I feel like 90% of the time my posts are depressing….
And because Feeling like crap is a constant at the moment.

Don’t get me wrong I’m still a fairly happy person, I’m happy every day. But I’m also miserable every day. Sometimes for no reason at all, or sometimes because someone’s innocent questions makes my body ache.

I think everyone in the ever growing TTC group dread the questions.. the ‘come on you have been married for six years now,when are you going to start a family’ questions? most of the time it kind of makes me want to rip their face off for their ignorance – I promise I’m not really a violent person – but today I just feel hurt, I feel like I could shake them and scream that. They. Should. Know. Better.

I got asked today. I got asked what was taking us so long? I got asked why we would wait 6 years if I did want children?

My answer was pure honesty – I replied that of course I want children, I would have ten…. I did not add on ….If I could.

I didn’t add on that you asking me these question burns me to the core. I didn’t add on that your stupid questions have today emotionally set me back about 6 months. I did not add on that every time I get asked or every time I see a baby bump or a pregnancy announcement, it’s another punch to the chest. I did not tell you That you have left me feeling sore and tender and bruised.

That all the time, I feel sore and tender and bruised.

Being infertile leaves me invisibly black and blue.

Feel what is empty and empty what is full.

What is full?
I struggle to find what in my life is full. I mean it is filled with love from friends and family but who could ever have too much love? It’s full of work at the moment, I wouldn’t like to take on any more but you always seem to pull a little more time/energy/strength right out from thin air..

I know my fullness has to be somewhere because I feel so heavy ( not literally, I just got my stone and a half award at slimming world.. yey go me!!) But Emotionally I feel drained. The only part of me that is truly full is my worry pot. What else do you call it? It’s the part of my brain that asks the questions that I can’t find the answers to, like will we ever have a family? Will my husband still love me in another 10 years? Even if he has to put up with just me in his life? Will I ever not feel a huge amount of loss or regret?

Stop!! Empty the worry pot.
It doesn’t mean my questions are gone but prioritise I must. ‘What now?’ Is my ‘now’ question and until I have some sort of plan or order it is the only one I’m letting any where near my worry pot!

So.. What is empty? Aside from the obvious and quite literal empty nest and womb?

Well, I have an (almost) empty bank account. I have an empty spare bedroom?
Trying to take inventory isn’t easy. I have a huge hole in my heart, but it’s not empty. I have a big question mark in my future, but again, not empty. I have a blank space in my life right now… but It is still not empty. I am not empty.

For those of you that know me, you know that lately I made my self invisible. I disappeared because I didn’t feel like me, I didn’t feel like Jilly-Bean, or Jilly. I was frightened that I had lost myself forever. But I want to be her again, I want to be the kind of person who people I have never met want to come have tea and scones with.

I spent some time trying to peel back the layers that I thought I had built around me but there were none, I was completely raw. I had scrubbed away everything that made me me

Wallowing is toxic. It’s ok to feel sad and take time to cry in a corner but don’t let it eat you alive. I shut down every one who ever made me smile or feel good and if I carried on it would have killed me for sure.

Here is to re-joining my fight.
Good luck to everyone who may be struggling in theirs, hang on in there!

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Silence.

I Haven’t wanted to write… I haven’t wanted to talk. I Have no News. I don’t feel Better.

I’m Angry. I’m Angry that i’m Angry.

In my heart I know there is a plan but I would really love to know what it is… but in the mean time there is anger and a whole lot of hurt. I don’t like allowing this person who has taken over me to write, as the real me is a happier person… but the real me is on vacation, i think… hopefully ready to come back soon.

The real me still Peeks in on all my word press family and is silently wishing you guys all the best with everything you have going on. I Promise I won’t be lost forever, But for now I shall remain silent…

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