One day I may wake up…

One day I may wake up – and be pleased with the lay in that my non existent children let me have.

90% of my posts start with a single thought. A one liner that takes hold of me and kind of splatters on a page. I don’t have a plan of what to write , I don’t pick a subject – Hey, why not Infertility today? It just is, so I mostly write about how I feel as oppose to whats on my mind. And usually if I’m seeking comfort from my online family I’m already not in a great place.

 I love being someone that visits just to try help, try offer my words where I can offer comfort to someone else also not feeling so great, I’m not that person today. Today Hurts.

I pray everyday that there are no reasons for me not being a mummy. Like, did I do something? Is it my fault? I keep hoping there is a bigger picture.And then I worry I have missed the big flashing sign stating what next.

I worry haven’t been sent a sign. 

I worry that not being fertile is the sign.

I’ve been through this before, so many times before. 

I feel fine for so long and then I look up and I’m still in pain. And I still can’t breathe. I can’t understand why after so many years I still feel the same burning sadness through my entire body.

One day I may wake up – and not have an ache in my heart.

One day I may wake up – and know where in life I’m heading

One day I may wake up – and be satisfied living a childless life?
One day I may wake up – Old.. and then it will all be tough shippoopie anyway.



  1. I would love to contact you privately, but I can’t see any email link or contact details on your blog. If you wish, please send me an email via my blog under Contacts. Thanks.

  2. if only i could hug you out there… I feel you dear. its like a monthly episode of heartache… the pain and the questions may not totally disappear but we manage to get back on our routine, be happy for a while until that time of the month arrives again… or sometimes when something around us reminds us of our longing.
    Praying for you, for us.. that we may truly experience that hope that does not disappoint.
    🙂 xoxo

  3. Completely separate experiences, life situations, etc. I do not mourn my diagnosis, I do not pray for a cure. I do not pray, period. But what I can offer you in terms of comfort is: please stop looking for a reason. There is no “fault” in infertility. Random genetic variation, some possible environmental factors (but we’re not really sure), it just happens sometimes. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It won’t help anything, and it won’t help you understand it better. Nothing you’ve done in this life or past lives could have caused your diagnosis.

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