I had My nephew last week, My beautiful 4 year old nephew while his Mum had to work. Most of the time I absolutely adore having him, this time was no different. I picked him up from school – He is always so excited to see me, speaking so quick like he has so much to say and no time to say it, then he talks me into going for a cup of tea and a slice of fruit cake in the town gardens, then we go to the shop and buy some bread to feed the ducks on our walk home. A routine I have come to cherish.
I decided for a change to take him to the garden center which has tropical fish, some birds, snakes and a few other reptiles. We even got to help the lady feed some Koi. He was so excited and giddy he turned, tugged on my shirt and said ‘Mummy, Mummy Did you see that fish? It jumped out the water!’
My heart broke in ways I had no idea it could.
He didn’t even realise what he had just said.
I tried not to break, kept smiling and forced myself to move from my frozen position – the whole time I was in pieces. I Cant explain why It hit me so hard maybe I didn’t know until that moment that my heart has already given up. Every thought I have ever had about my future filled with children came flooding back and then there was nothing… Emptiness surrounding me.
I Don’t know what was worse the ache or the nothingness.. each making me sick and dizzy all at once. That was 7 days ago and I still feel like my chest is slowly and painfully collapsing in on its self.
I Keep trying to find the positives but Have been so highly strung and tightly wound I’m finding it difficult to Want to see much of anything.