Errrgg is how I am feeling.
For those of you that dont know what Errg is, it is a noise as apposed to a word – a noise somewhere between annoyance and a growl, with a little ‘Naff off’ thrown in for good measure. I haven’t wrote in a while because I just feel like I am going around in circles, like I’m on a merry-go-round and literally can’t get off. Its maddening that the big guy in charge wont slow it down.. even a little.
I know wanting something to be over doesn’t make it over, but that dark feeling hanging over my head constantly threatening to suck me back is wearing me down. Im frustrated and irritated all the time. Every time I feel like I’m having a breakthrough, finding simple joys in everyday life, I find myself back at square one.
Everything feels Too Big. I don’t really know how to put it in a way people may understand, so I’m sorry if I lose you at this point… Last night my husband asked me why I was showering in the dark, and I Honestly didn’t really know, it felt kind of good to feel invisible, almost like I wasnt really there. I took comfort in the small space too, its just enough room for one… Unlike my dining table – Having a sudden hatred for inaminate objects is a new one for me.I bought it so surely I must have liked at at one stage… NOPE .Its no use, I Hate the thing – Sat there all smug with its middle extention and its two extra chairs….
I also hate the fact that I have two spare bedrooms.
I do realise how ridiculous I sound, Im even wondering if this time I really have gone insane.
Even more ridiculous than me stressing weather my garden is safe enough for kids.. or the disappointment that my sister-in-laws, husbands – sisters – mate has named her new born what I would have called my little boy.
I’m obviously not in a great place – And trust me I would rather be anywhere else, but the fact is Im failing at being human right now, and have been seriously contemplating becoming a Robot – well, an emotionless one anyway.
Could happen.. Right?
– Definitely insane.