ERRRGG.

Errrgg is how I am feeling.

For those of you that dont know what Errg is, it is a noise as apposed to a word – a noise somewhere between annoyance and a growl, with a little ‘Naff off’ thrown in for good measure. I haven’t wrote in a while because I just feel like I am going around in circles, like I’m on a merry-go-round and literally can’t get off. Its maddening that the big guy in charge wont slow it down.. even a little.

I know wanting something to be over doesn’t make it over, but that dark feeling hanging over my head constantly threatening to suck me back is wearing me down. Im frustrated and irritated all the time. Every time I feel like I’m having a breakthrough, finding simple joys in everyday life, I find myself back at square one.

Everything feels Too Big. I don’t really know how to put it in a way people may understand, so I’m sorry if I lose you at this point… Last night my husband asked me why I was showering in the dark, and I Honestly didn’t really know, it felt kind of good to feel invisible, almost like I wasnt really there. I took comfort in the small space too, its just enough room for one… Unlike my dining table – Having a sudden hatred for inaminate objects is a new one for me.I bought it so surely I must have liked at at one stage… NOPE .Its no use, I Hate the thing – Sat there all smug with its middle extention and its two extra chairs….

I also hate the fact that I have two spare bedrooms.

I do realise how ridiculous I sound, Im even wondering if this time I really have gone insane.

Even more ridiculous than me stressing weather my garden is safe enough for kids.. or the disappointment that my sister-in-laws, husbands – sisters – mate has named her new born what I would have called my little boy.

I’m obviously not in a great place – And trust me I would rather be anywhere else, but the fact is Im failing at being human right now, and have been seriously contemplating becoming a Robot – well, an emotionless one anyway.

Could happen.. Right?

– Definitely insane.

 

Advertisements

18 comments

  1. Oh girl this post breaks my heart! I wish I could give you a big squeeze right now. Always remember that everything will be great in the end. If it’s not great ten it’s not the end :). Is it okay if I send you something? Email me your address to 10hopeingod@gmail.com

  2. Sadly this is all part of it. No point in telling you it will all be ok. You already know that. Infertility is an uphill battle emotionally but what goes up must come down. This wave of feeling crap will pass. And then it will probably come back, probably many times. But it will always pass. This is what makes you human. This frustration and sadness is true evidence of how much you want to succeed.

    I go through stages of having nothing to say… to anyone. Or hating things I usually love (Eg a fav album or going for a drive). Much like your hatred for inanimate objects, it doesn’t make much sense but it’s real all the same.

  3. If you are insane than I am insane too because I hate my spare bedroom too:( and the swing set that is outside in my back yard leftover from when my stepdaughters were younger…it just sits there mocking me every day:( I know how dark the “dark times” can be but just remember it will swing back the other way soon and be a little brighter:)

  4. I do the same things. Some days I hate my house. I bought the house specifically because it had 2 extra bedrooms and a bath tub in the extra bathroom for a baby. Even though I knew when I met my husband almost 10 years ago we couldn’t have a child together… We can still have children (donor or adoption) but it seems to make this entire process just a little harder sometimes. I can tell you, you are not alone. Keep your head up 🙂

  5. ho boy can I relate… I have to tell you that in recent months I have had a complete breakdown where I was so frustrated I literally tore an 24 pkg of toilet paper into shreds, kicked it threw it and screamed at God (it was cool, He can handle it) Through my tears and anger I found a tiny shred in the humor of what I had done. I didn’t feel better about the circumstance, but somehow I was able to have an out of body experience, step back and almost smile, (not laugh, that came later.) I chose the toilet paper because it caused the least damage to things! I’m sure it would look crazy to an onlooker.

    soo… it’s ok to be a little insane sometimes. I think it’s needed!

    btw would you be open to recieving the Libster Award! I’ve just been nominated and would like to offer it to you. Let me know what you think.

  6. Hi, thanks for following my blog! I just wanted to say that I shower in the dark every single day. I’m not sure why I even started, but I love it. So if you are insane, then so am I! 🙂 The important thing is that you clearly are keeping your sense of humor through this tough time. That really goes a long way!

  7. You are not insane. I know just how you feel. I have been dealing with infertility for years now, and much of what you’re saying here feels quite familiar. Especially the garden and the table!! However, some of the darker feelings you speak of (like showers in the dark to feel invisable) reminded me of being on certain fertility drugs. I don’t know if you are taking any, but when I was on Clomid, it really messed with my emotions. Thier whole purpose is to mess with your hormone levels, and sometimes this does more harm than good. If fertility meds are a factor in how you’re feeling, you may want to find out if you can switch to another kind. Just a thought. Thanks for starting this blog – it is always nice to know we aren’t alone. Oh, and you’re wrong about one thing – you certainly are a writer!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s