Recently I wrote a post about our journey so far, I wrote it in terms of a physical battle, with strengths and weaknesses as metaphorical weapons and with Infertility as a human.
I intended for it to show that a fight with infertility isn’t just a fight with infertility. It becomes a fight with everything, you vs the world. Too Dramatic?? .. Think about it… My husband, My family and My friends ARE My world.
Maybe what I did not portray very well was the blame aspect.. I don’t tend to go into details about our infertility because I think it’s pointless, it doesn’t change the one fact this whole blog is about – My husband and I can Not have children. But maybe what you should know is that in our first year of marriage we found out that my husband could not have children. Yes you heard me, My husband. This was an incredibly hard time for us, a little down the line and full of the hopes of modern medicine and a very helpful donation from a male friend we also found out that I can’t have children either. So my husband blamed me for wanting something that we just can’t have, And I blamed my husband for making me want something we just can’t have. I am ashamed that we also blamed God, and for how long. I prey everyday for His forgiveness. But the blame I referred to in my previous post as an ‘axe’ well.. this blame is self blame. We are both guilty of self blame, no matter how much I tell my husband differently, I can still see it in his eyes. And no matter what my husband, doctors, or reasoning tells me I never quite believe that this isnt somehow all my fault. That is Infertility’s axe.
The point, I Promise I’ll get there, of writing a post about a post, is that I originally deleted said post after I received a not so helpful comment..
It read ‘CHANGE YOUR LIFE. NOW!’ And obviously had a link to a ‘change your life’, self help site. I quickly deleted my post thinking that maybe I had started to prattle on (often done by myself) and somehow missed my own point? I have always struggled with criticism but Was I wrong to be offended? I thought that I had communicated an ‘I’m still standing’ Or ‘ I will survive’ kind of moment, this person however must have thought I was on the edge…???….of a building?
I am Truly sorry if you feared for my safety but I stand by what I said.. ‘Every single day is a fight’ weather it’s a fight with my own emotions or a row with my dear husband. It by no stretch of the imagination means I have given up. My blog is for me, If it actually helps someone I would be thrilled, but if it means me unloading all my hurt feelings and thoughts here so that I can walk out my door with a weight off my shoulders and smile on my face, so be it.
My point, is this my actual point or a different point? If you know congratulations as I have no bleeding idea!! Anyhoo I will no longer be ashamed of my own feelings because I Know that No matter what roads we choose to travel, 40 years from now my husband and I can honestly say we did everything we could for the family we may or my not have – I dont expect my blog to mean alot to anyone other than me, but I have had the chance to get to know some really incredible people many of who help me through the hard times & continue to do so everyday. I hope our connections make them feel just as comforted as I do knowing that there are people willing to listen…