Still Surviving…

I Am Eternally greatful for the People I have found in the short time since I started my public journey. People who are going through what my husband and I are going through, people who are feeling the same things we are, People who have been through much worse and for alot longer… All of these are incredible people who are surviving everyday.

‘Surviving’ may sound very dramatic to the outside world – The ones lucky enough to be blessed with children – It does not mean we are not living our lives and enjoying life too –  it means that Every single day is a fight, with ups and downs so extreme you could burn your arse on the sun or get frostbite!

Imagine Infertility as a human. Imagine he wants a fight. What do you see?

I see a mean looking man, only slightly taller than I am. I see an arena the size of a tennis court with netting all the way around and a roof so there is no escaping. I see a rule board with no rules and a calender instead of a timer.

Knowing if I win, Infertility loses and I get to start my family.

I step up to the gates and Infertility whispers to me ‘Neither one of us can die, and only you can feel pain. Last chance to turn back now.’ I step inside. I hear dead bolts locking me in and infertility laughing.

The Battle begins. Infertility now looks 10ft tall and strong. I want to leave, knowing there is no turning back I look for places to hide there are none. My only chance is to fight. Infertility holds up a shield he calls ‘Fear’ blocking any attack I was contemplating. He shows me an array of weapons only to add to my rising panic. He pretends to be unsure of which weapon to strike me with first, The sword named ‘Rage’ or the axe named ‘Blame’. He settles on a spear and tosses it at me enjoying every moment, with nothing to defend my self the spear tears through my soul, He needn’t tell me the name as I felt every ounce of ‘Grief’ pass through my body.

Just when I think it can not get any worse, Infertility has gained some unknowing recruits in this war. people close to me who he can use as weapons – a pregnant friend, Envy. Fertile family members, Pity.  My husband, Disapointment…  All being forced to stand against me one blow after another. And then the kicker, Infertility morphes into somone more familier, more painful then I ever thought possible. Someone who doesn’t need any weapons to hurt me, this thing is Failure, this thing is me.

My Battle has officially been going on for 4 years, 5 months & 26 days. I for one am Exhausted.

I did eventually find my shield, ‘Hope’ and My sword,’Faith’. I also managed to covert some Warriors so now I no longer battle with my loved ones, they stand by my side as I continue to stand up against Infertility.

 

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4 comments

  1. Wow, JillyBean, what a poignant portrayal of what it’s like to deal with infertility. I feel your struggles and pain. Here’s to Hope, Faith, Strength, and Courage to not let infertility steal our Joy. Sending my love.

  2. Hey jillybean

    I couldn’t have summed up Infertility better. I hope that you and your husband can achieve a family but I also know that sometimes that doesn’t happen and should that be the case I hope you find the ability to still look at life with a peace….not always kindness or understanding but the ability to find an element of peace in your life each day.
    My fertility battle has officially ended….I got told I’m too high risk and cannot keep undertaking inv I pray and hope your journey, be it long or short is successful.
    I hope you find peace and comfort and find strength from within yourself you never knew you or your partner had.
    Xxx hope too my own writing can support and encourage you as yours has mine

    1. Thank you so much, I too prey I can find my peace if nothing else. I am sorry you have had your struggle and prey for you also. I’m sure your writing will as your comment has done just that! xxx

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