Believe it or not telling your family you can’t have children isn’t hard, its damn near impossible. I would have rather sewed up my own mouth than say those words out loud.
If anyone reading this has yet to deal with this trauma, Please don’t worry as I am 100% sure that it was so bad Purely because of my own Relationship with my mother as apposed to the actual act of telling her. You see, I am Too close to my mother – Don’t get me wrong, it is amazing to be so close to my mum. I am very lucky. But Because we are too close and agree on so much already, when we don’t agree it can be a bit of a let down. For example – My mother Loves walking – so when for mothers day she suggests a 9 mile hike across the moors and I roll my eyes because personally couldn’t imagine anything worse than chaffing legs and bleeding heels – you can she why she would be irritated. The point is that I would climb everest rather than upset or disapoint my mother.
I had it all planned out what I was going to say to her, I was going to explain that one day I will be able to talk openly about it but right now I don’t want to talk. About any of it. I wanted to explain the facts so she would know why I felt down some days and why other days i just didn’t want to get out of bed. Why you need to stop saying things like when am i going to give you grandchildren because it breaks my heart every time you do.
I Cant Remember exactly what I said but it was something along the lines of – I have some bad news, but I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want you to be sad either…. We can’t have children.
I must say the look of relief on her face Pissed. Me. Off.
She looked relieved because even though I feel like it was the end of the world – to her it is not. She was relived because I had been so worried and built our ‘news’ up so much that she thought one of us of must of been dying. Instead of explaining anything at all, I had in fact just scared her to death.
Way to go me!
I need to fix this… I need for her to know that me prefering to tell/talk to strangers about my situation is just another form of me hiding away from everyone I love and not a reflection on our relationship… That I am the coward.
I just cant find the words to say to her.
How can I put my Pride aside and accept her empathy?