P*ss off Pride!

 Believe it or not telling your family you can’t have children isn’t hard, its damn near impossible. I would have rather sewed up my own mouth than say those words out loud.

If anyone reading this has yet to deal with this trauma, Please don’t worry as I am 100% sure that it was so bad Purely because of my  own Relationship with my mother as apposed to the actual act of telling her. You see, I am Too close to my mother  – Don’t get me wrong, it is amazing to be so close to my mum. I am very lucky. But Because we are too close and agree on so much already, when we don’t agree it can be a bit of a let down. For example – My mother Loves walking – so when for mothers day she suggests a 9 mile hike across the moors and I roll my eyes because personally couldn’t imagine anything worse than chaffing legs and bleeding heels – you can she why she would be irritated. The point is that I would climb everest rather than upset or disapoint my mother.

I had it all planned out what I was going to say to her, I was going to explain that one day I will be able to talk openly about it but right now I don’t want to talk. About any of it. I wanted to explain the facts so she would know why I felt down some days and why other days i just didn’t want to get out of bed. Why you need to stop saying things like when am i going to give you grandchildren because it breaks my heart every time you do.

I Cant Remember exactly what I said but it was something along the lines of – I have some bad news, but I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want you to be sad either….  We can’t have children.

I must say the look of relief on her face Pissed. Me. Off.

She looked relieved because even though I feel like it was the end of the world – to her it is not. She was relived because I had been so worried and built our ‘news’ up so much that she thought one of us of must of been dying. Instead of explaining anything at all, I had in fact just scared her to death.

Way to go me!

I need to fix this… I need for her to know that me prefering to tell/talk to strangers about my situation is just another form of me hiding away from everyone I love and not a reflection on our relationship… That I am the coward.

I just cant find the words to say to her.

How can I put my Pride aside and accept her empathy?

Advertisements

2 comments

  1. Congrats on taking that first step…it’s a difficult thing to do, and I can absolutely relate. We haven’t told our parents yet (well, anyone really) and mostly for similar reasons- My parents are our best friends, and we’re very close. I don’t think I can bear seeing their sadness and disappointment. My mother in particular is often hinting at grandchildren, and collecting pieces for a future nursery that may never exist. It’s heartbreaking….
    Wishing you lots of luck and positive thoughts in this challenge!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s