Baby Envy and losing friends..

I lost a Friend, By lost I don’t mean she Passed, I mean I was brutally un-friended. I was Un-friended by the first person I had told about my infertility. What the Heck was going on? I trust this person, We are good friends, If I have upset her in some way she’d just tell me, Right? Running through the past few months I rack my brains to find some clue to what I may have done. We were never best friends or anything but good friends, meeting up every month or so, going for lunch, I was at her wedding as she was at mine. What could have happened? 

 I choose to tell This person before anyone else because I knew that I would never cry in front of her. As silly as it sounds I needed to say the words but I knew if I told someone close to me what I had told her, they would have seen right through me. I needed someone who would not call me out on my bluff, someone who acted like it was not the end of the world. I Don’t mean that people closer to me would be wrong, they wouldn’t of been. They would hug me and tell me not to be brave, ‘its ok to cry’ but I don’t want that,  because for now my heart is too heavy to know others are hurting for me too. I Told my friend when she causally asked When (When not If) we were thinking of having children, I spoke to her like it was a fact, forgetting all the emotion that comes with it I said ‘Actually, we can’t have children but we do hope to adopt and we would definitely consider fostering. One Day.’ she told me how sorry she was and I informed her that its all fine  as we have known for awhile and we know and accept our options. It was so easy. Who knew I could lie so well? 

A month or so later I heard from a mutual friend she had announced her pregnancy. I am thrilled for you, honestly, I am But you have just taken away my chance to prove it to you. Why? Because of something we are going through. How do I change a mind that’s already been made? To Prove to her,and to myself if I am honest, I sent her a congratulatory over sized panda wearing a big Yellow bow. The thanks message I received basically said that even though I say that I am happy for her she feels like talking about her pregnancy is like her rubbing it in my face, and that at such a happy time in her life she does not want to be feeling guilty and is going to continue avoiding me for the time.

My message back informed her that I am Truly sorry if my situation (LOL) made her uneasy or using her words ‘guilty’, but that was not my intention. I also pointed out that if she had some illness that I didn’t have, had I felt guilty because I didn’t get said illness I would not make an ill person feel guilty because I personally don’t like feeling guilty?

Should I feel guilty? she obviously feels like I burdened her with this.  

 

Anyway my point is that not everyone suffers or grieves the same way. Of course I have Baby envy, Of course I want the same choices that you have had but I would Never wish your Baby or your joy away. I am not a monster because I want this joy for me too. It really gets to me that people think that I need to be excluded For I don’t even Know what reasons, What? I am I going to Steal the plastic doll from the baby shower? Sit in the corner having a staring contest with your baby bump? Look I am aloud to lose the plot when ever I like but Guys, really? I shall freak out in my own time And behind closed doors. Please trust that If I am feeling over whelmed or a little bit sad I will exclude myself, I want to be part of your life as I always have been and I want to be part of your baby’s life so please do not take another choice away from me.

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6 comments

  1. That is a really terrible way for a friend to be! That is not a friend at all. There’s a a difference between rubbing it in your face and just being normal about it. She should know that.

  2. Ah! I have had this happen to me too. People deciding not to tell me they are pregnant. And its so much worse when you find out in some other way! The best thing a fertile friend can do, at least for me, is let me know that they are planning to announce their pregnancy so that when the world finds out about it – I can be prepared.

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