I lost a Friend, By lost I don’t mean she Passed, I mean I was brutally un-friended. I was Un-friended by the first person I had told about my infertility. What the Heck was going on? I trust this person, We are good friends, If I have upset her in some way she’d just tell me, Right? Running through the past few months I rack my brains to find some clue to what I may have done. We were never best friends or anything but good friends, meeting up every month or so, going for lunch, I was at her wedding as she was at mine. What could have happened?
I choose to tell This person before anyone else because I knew that I would never cry in front of her. As silly as it sounds I needed to say the words but I knew if I told someone close to me what I had told her, they would have seen right through me. I needed someone who would not call me out on my bluff, someone who acted like it was not the end of the world. I Don’t mean that people closer to me would be wrong, they wouldn’t of been. They would hug me and tell me not to be brave, ‘its ok to cry’ but I don’t want that, because for now my heart is too heavy to know others are hurting for me too. I Told my friend when she causally asked When (When not If) we were thinking of having children, I spoke to her like it was a fact, forgetting all the emotion that comes with it I said ‘Actually, we can’t have children but we do hope to adopt and we would definitely consider fostering. One Day.’ she told me how sorry she was and I informed her that its all fine as we have known for awhile and we know and accept our options. It was so easy. Who knew I could lie so well?
A month or so later I heard from a mutual friend she had announced her pregnancy. I am thrilled for you, honestly, I am But you have just taken away my chance to prove it to you. Why? Because of something we are going through. How do I change a mind that’s already been made? To Prove to her,and to myself if I am honest, I sent her a congratulatory over sized panda wearing a big Yellow bow. The thanks message I received basically said that even though I say that I am happy for her she feels like talking about her pregnancy is like her rubbing it in my face, and that at such a happy time in her life she does not want to be feeling guilty and is going to continue avoiding me for the time.
My message back informed her that I am Truly sorry if my situation (LOL) made her uneasy or using her words ‘guilty’, but that was not my intention. I also pointed out that if she had some illness that I didn’t have, had I felt guilty because I didn’t get said illness I would not make an ill person feel guilty because I personally don’t like feeling guilty?
Should I feel guilty? she obviously feels like I burdened her with this.
Anyway my point is that not everyone suffers or grieves the same way. Of course I have Baby envy, Of course I want the same choices that you have had but I would Never wish your Baby or your joy away. I am not a monster because I want this joy for me too. It really gets to me that people think that I need to be excluded For I don’t even Know what reasons, What? I am I going to Steal the plastic doll from the baby shower? Sit in the corner having a staring contest with your baby bump? Look I am aloud to lose the plot when ever I like but Guys, really? I shall freak out in my own time And behind closed doors. Please trust that If I am feeling over whelmed or a little bit sad I will exclude myself, I want to be part of your life as I always have been and I want to be part of your baby’s life so please do not take another choice away from me.